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Hey. I browsed through a couple of posts here in hopes to find a couple related on how to deal with a girlfriend with ADHD. In this case, I am that girlfriend with ADHD. I've been living with my boyfriend, Jon, for just over 8 months and now that we've settled into a routine, I'm starting to see that we get into arguments more and more and I am usually the one to start an argument over little things that, really, are not important.
I take ADDERALL every day, but I find that although drugs help with focusing, medication does not help to actually change your behaviour or mindset when approaching life situations. I can relate to the other posts that describe up and down mood swings, and arguments that arise in order to provoke some mental stimulation. I find that when I'm bored (I return to university in september), I'm quick to anger.
However, I can be incredibly un-motivated when attempting to perform mential tasks like doing laundry or errands. Yet I can be hyper-focused in my school work and work on an essay 10 hours straight. Ultimately, I get things done, but I procrastinate quite a bit. and I always show up 10-15 minutes late to work and social gatherings. So I can understand how tough it has been for Jon to live with me.
We are in love and we are both very happy. He is the one I want to eventually marry. But lately, we have been blaming our recent arguments and disagreements (that I usually provoke) to larger questions like "Are we meant to be together?", when more and more I think the cause for our arguments is my ADHD and my inability to control my mood swings and to see the larger picture when I'm in the moment. Does anyone have any advice or tools they have used to keep them balanced and on track in their relationships while dealing with ADHD?
I know some people mentioned that book titled, A.D.D. & Romance by Jonathan Halverstadt, I am going to look into buying it this weekend. But like most other ADHDers, I require some quick-fix advice as a motivator to get me onto this larger path to learn how to make use of my ADHD symptoms instead of constantly trying to battle them off.
Thanks!!
Anna
I take ADDERALL every day, but I find that although drugs help with focusing, medication does not help to actually change your behaviour or mindset when approaching life situations. I can relate to the other posts that describe up and down mood swings, and arguments that arise in order to provoke some mental stimulation. I find that when I'm bored (I return to university in september), I'm quick to anger.
However, I can be incredibly un-motivated when attempting to perform mential tasks like doing laundry or errands. Yet I can be hyper-focused in my school work and work on an essay 10 hours straight. Ultimately, I get things done, but I procrastinate quite a bit. and I always show up 10-15 minutes late to work and social gatherings. So I can understand how tough it has been for Jon to live with me.
We are in love and we are both very happy. He is the one I want to eventually marry. But lately, we have been blaming our recent arguments and disagreements (that I usually provoke) to larger questions like "Are we meant to be together?", when more and more I think the cause for our arguments is my ADHD and my inability to control my mood swings and to see the larger picture when I'm in the moment. Does anyone have any advice or tools they have used to keep them balanced and on track in their relationships while dealing with ADHD?
I know some people mentioned that book titled, A.D.D. & Romance by Jonathan Halverstadt, I am going to look into buying it this weekend. But like most other ADHDers, I require some quick-fix advice as a motivator to get me onto this larger path to learn how to make use of my ADHD symptoms instead of constantly trying to battle them off.
Thanks!!
Anna
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Re: I'm the girlfriend with ADHD
Fri, August 22, 2008 - 10:47 PMThat surprises me, because I was 40 when I got diagnosed. By then I had found a job I was good at (programming) and had no trouble focusing for however long it took. In fact I'm one of those ADD'ers who can easily hyperfocus on anything they find mildly interesting.
When I finally got on meds at 40, the one area where the really DID help was with impulse control. By that age I had also managed to stop getting myself arrested, so in this case I'm talking about verbal impulse control. It made an enormous difference in my professional life; I went from being one of those talented programmers management kept away from the customers to being the guy they sent out to deal with the difficult customers.
The difference was that before I leaned I had ADD and got on meds, the project manager might ask me,'How did it go with the users.' and I would say, 'They can't find their ass with both hands.' After I got on the meds, I'd still THINK that, but this little voice in my brain would warn me to rephrase it before I opened my mouth, and I'd say something like, 'Oh, they're having quite a bit of trouble, we should definitely think about some formal training,...' etc.
Admittedly, it's much harder to carry into your personal life. For one thing your S.O. is seeing you at all stages, medicated, unmedicated, going up, coming down, etc. But it's a practice thing.
Also, if you're starting a lot of arguments, or if you're feeling angry and don't know why, consider the possibility that you might be over-medicating. Try cutting back your dose a bit and see if you don't feel better over all.
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Re: I'm the girlfriend with ADHD
Tue, August 26, 2008 - 1:46 PMI bought that book, Anna, but I didn't relate to it very well. One thing that did resonate, though, was that most relationship arguments begin when one of the folks does not feel valued.
I think that, if you are feeling like you're ready to pick a fight, find an alternate release for it: go for a walk, use the energy for menial tasks like laundry, or do something to let the impulse run its course. After that, if it is still an issue, you'll be in a better place to address it. Just my thoughts, as being on the other side of the ADHD relationship.
