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Greetings,
I have been dating a 45 year old, never married (was engaged) man that is a really great guy. We were together about 2 months. We have known each other for 8 or so months before dating. We live about an hour away from each other. I suspected he had ADD and was going to talk to him about it but our communitcations abruptly became almost completely stopped. He has some medication at my house and I found that he take Staterra which I understand is for ADD.
We had been talking several times a day, together from Fri nite to Mon morn having one minor misunderstanding (I know it was because I was not clear in my communication) which we quickly resolved. He then got really busy with work (he is a landscaper- self employed) and when I asked if we were going to get together he said he had too much work and I distract him too much. He has had some financial trouble and is focusing on getting back on his feet. I know he has been busy with work, he says he will call but then does not. He has had some equipment trouble and large jobs with deadlines. Also included in the financial stress is IRS leins as a result of his ex fiance taking money and not doing her job.
I know men have a hard time multitasking & they want to be the provider. I have also read that ADD can cause a lot of self esteem issues and so on.
I have not talked to him for almost two weeks. Every 5 or so days he calls and leaves a long message on my voice mail explaining his current job and being busy, thanking me for my support and love and talk to you soon. No indication that there are troubles brewing.
I am at a loss- I have not had the oppurtunity to talk to him and find out what is going on. I think he may assume I am going to "jump down his throat" which I am not- only want to know where we stand and why the sudden, abrupt change.
He drinks a few beers everyday and I believe it is his respite along with the XBOX.
My questions are:
Is this behavior typical of a very busy, stressed man with ADD?
How do I let him know that I know he has ADD and I want to help him, not change him and support him?
What approach should I use to reach out and try to get our relationship back to where it was- assuming he is not wanting to break up which I really do not think is the case.
if and when we get the relationship back how do I let him know that this has been very painful for me and not something I can or will be able to tolerate in the future. I know that men need to go to their caves but for weeks at a time?
Thanks
I have been dating a 45 year old, never married (was engaged) man that is a really great guy. We were together about 2 months. We have known each other for 8 or so months before dating. We live about an hour away from each other. I suspected he had ADD and was going to talk to him about it but our communitcations abruptly became almost completely stopped. He has some medication at my house and I found that he take Staterra which I understand is for ADD.
We had been talking several times a day, together from Fri nite to Mon morn having one minor misunderstanding (I know it was because I was not clear in my communication) which we quickly resolved. He then got really busy with work (he is a landscaper- self employed) and when I asked if we were going to get together he said he had too much work and I distract him too much. He has had some financial trouble and is focusing on getting back on his feet. I know he has been busy with work, he says he will call but then does not. He has had some equipment trouble and large jobs with deadlines. Also included in the financial stress is IRS leins as a result of his ex fiance taking money and not doing her job.
I know men have a hard time multitasking & they want to be the provider. I have also read that ADD can cause a lot of self esteem issues and so on.
I have not talked to him for almost two weeks. Every 5 or so days he calls and leaves a long message on my voice mail explaining his current job and being busy, thanking me for my support and love and talk to you soon. No indication that there are troubles brewing.
I am at a loss- I have not had the oppurtunity to talk to him and find out what is going on. I think he may assume I am going to "jump down his throat" which I am not- only want to know where we stand and why the sudden, abrupt change.
He drinks a few beers everyday and I believe it is his respite along with the XBOX.
My questions are:
Is this behavior typical of a very busy, stressed man with ADD?
How do I let him know that I know he has ADD and I want to help him, not change him and support him?
What approach should I use to reach out and try to get our relationship back to where it was- assuming he is not wanting to break up which I really do not think is the case.
if and when we get the relationship back how do I let him know that this has been very painful for me and not something I can or will be able to tolerate in the future. I know that men need to go to their caves but for weeks at a time?
Thanks
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Re: Boyfriend with ADD
Mon, June 2, 2008 - 4:53 AMhand him some adderall, say "here take this"
see how he is after that -
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Re: Boyfriend with ADD
Mon, June 2, 2008 - 9:57 AMyes for sure it's better based upon lots of reading and talking to people that've taken both . -
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Re: Boyfriend with ADD
Mon, June 2, 2008 - 10:57 AMThanks for the information. Is it common that when stressed, overwhelmed, and working long hours a man with ADD will withdraw from those that love and care for him?
Any suggestions on the approach?
Thanks -
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Re: Boyfriend with ADD
Mon, June 2, 2008 - 11:17 AMyeah over-working doesnt do anyone any good, usually ... and a mind with a.d.d./bipolar ...even worse.............
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Re: Boyfriend with ADD
Wed, June 4, 2008 - 12:50 PMI second that, to be sure. Strattera did nothing for me (I take adderall), and while it helped my daughter slightly, adderall helped her a lot more. So much so that she's able to not take it most of the time and do just fine. Somehow it gave her insight into how her head worked and she's able to use that insight even without the meds. Go figure.
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Re: Boyfriend with ADD
Sat, June 7, 2008 - 9:06 AMSummer is, I would think, a super-busy time for landscapers, so I'm not so surprised that this would come up at this time of year.
As for the rest---it sounds like, if he's still calling and leaving messages, that he is still interested in the relationship, but not able to keep up the physical amount of time due to being busy. I don't really know how you can help him with this other than making sure that your demands for time/attention aren't adding to his stress. If he's leaving you messages, maybe leave him messages back? Offer to go and visit him rather than the reverse (since you live a ways apart)? Just let him know that you understand and accept that he's busy, and will still be there when his life settles down. (That being said, I would try and be patient for the summer. If things don't improve when the landscaping season slows down, then you've got a whole other problem.)
As to the possible ADD (and I don't know what else you'd take straterra for, but I haven't looked into it that much), I can't give you too much advice. Most of the (few) things I am able to do to help my husband out focus on our living in the same house---making sure he puts stuff where it needs to go, has what he needs when he leaves the house in the morning, remembers his doctor's appointment kind of things.
Hmm, I should probably check out that ADD romance book... :)
