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Hi everyone - I really hope I can get some useful advice in here - Its been great reading all the stories and feeling like I'm not fully alone! As I sit here i am in tears after yet another fight where the BF is as cold as a fish.
He was diagnosed with ADHD 6 months ago - went through all the different meds - they changed him - and not for the better - at least from my perspective` He has a 7 year old son who also has ADHD but who is medicated daily. His son is hard to handle and from a visual perspective not at all the same as his father in terms of the noticeable behaviors. His son is so high strung, does not listen, hyper focuses, and had violent rages and self abusive tendencies when being disciplined.
I am of the opinion there is and has been little to no discipline in the sons life ongoing - I am a hard ass :) and so when the son visits - there are rules - and time outs - and consequences for breaking those rules. Its hard for the first hour or so but after the son realizes or remembers how strict I am - he obeys and we can often go entire weekends without time outs at all. My BF did not discipline at all until I came along - and now he sees his son changing. We have been able to manage trips to fair grounds and other loud social activities with over stimulus and been FINE. So the child can learn and the ADHD seems to be manageable with consistency. - Now the BF is another story................................................................
So he doesn't take his medicine - and seems to be feeling fine. My questions or issue - is this;
What is ADHD and What is just bad behavior?? Before me the son's ridiculous bad behavior was accepted as ADHD and allowed to continue - now its 10x better and the kid is actually learning some manners!
So when my BF is asked to go get toilet paper and comes back with 10 things none of which are toilet paper and refuses to go back because I should be grateful he went in the first place. Or when we have plans which require him to pick me up somewhere and he decides to change them without even telling me until the time when he is supposed to be there and when I get mad he tells me he is not a taxi service and to get a car. Or when I ask him to help me clean up the house before he has to pick up his kid and he spends an hour sorting his receipts and an hour playing on the computer and then does the worst vacuum job in the history of bad vacuum jobs and blames me for not giving him enough notice - as now he has to go get his son. He is close to claiming bankruptcy and literally just sent me a text saying I need to chip 1/2 of the cost of cleaner for the house to save the arguing~!?
He has no sense of priorities - makes very bad decisions - thinks of only himself and his son (*in that order) then work whatever strikes his fancy at that moment - but not me. I have cried and he sits there emotionless and watches - I yell and say how can you love me and sit there and do nothing while I cry - if I were your son crying would you not run over and hold him??? and still he sits there with this blank look on his face - he looks confused!
I am at my wits end here. We have been together and living together for over a year - but its getting to the point where I don't want to see hi or talk to him - because all we (*I) do is fight. If there are emotions he shuts down - if its loud and yelly he joins in and says mean stufff. In over a year he has bought me flowers 1x and that is it! No other gifts ever - not that that's what its all about but - Bday - Xmas - Vday - NOTHING!
Is this extreme cold fish emotionless and selfish behavior seriously something people who have ADHA just get to get away with? Am I supposed to be understanding of this? How can a person not be able to see if you only have an hour and have to clean maybe sorting receipts isnt the best use of your time? How can a person watch someone be upset and do nothing - how can a person seem so incredible selfish and yet loving all at the same time!?!?!? Im going nuts.
Is he just a bad BF for me - or is this legitimate ADHD cant control is stuff????
Seriously???
M
He was diagnosed with ADHD 6 months ago - went through all the different meds - they changed him - and not for the better - at least from my perspective` He has a 7 year old son who also has ADHD but who is medicated daily. His son is hard to handle and from a visual perspective not at all the same as his father in terms of the noticeable behaviors. His son is so high strung, does not listen, hyper focuses, and had violent rages and self abusive tendencies when being disciplined.
I am of the opinion there is and has been little to no discipline in the sons life ongoing - I am a hard ass :) and so when the son visits - there are rules - and time outs - and consequences for breaking those rules. Its hard for the first hour or so but after the son realizes or remembers how strict I am - he obeys and we can often go entire weekends without time outs at all. My BF did not discipline at all until I came along - and now he sees his son changing. We have been able to manage trips to fair grounds and other loud social activities with over stimulus and been FINE. So the child can learn and the ADHD seems to be manageable with consistency. - Now the BF is another story................................................................
So he doesn't take his medicine - and seems to be feeling fine. My questions or issue - is this;
What is ADHD and What is just bad behavior?? Before me the son's ridiculous bad behavior was accepted as ADHD and allowed to continue - now its 10x better and the kid is actually learning some manners!
So when my BF is asked to go get toilet paper and comes back with 10 things none of which are toilet paper and refuses to go back because I should be grateful he went in the first place. Or when we have plans which require him to pick me up somewhere and he decides to change them without even telling me until the time when he is supposed to be there and when I get mad he tells me he is not a taxi service and to get a car. Or when I ask him to help me clean up the house before he has to pick up his kid and he spends an hour sorting his receipts and an hour playing on the computer and then does the worst vacuum job in the history of bad vacuum jobs and blames me for not giving him enough notice - as now he has to go get his son. He is close to claiming bankruptcy and literally just sent me a text saying I need to chip 1/2 of the cost of cleaner for the house to save the arguing~!?
He has no sense of priorities - makes very bad decisions - thinks of only himself and his son (*in that order) then work whatever strikes his fancy at that moment - but not me. I have cried and he sits there emotionless and watches - I yell and say how can you love me and sit there and do nothing while I cry - if I were your son crying would you not run over and hold him??? and still he sits there with this blank look on his face - he looks confused!
I am at my wits end here. We have been together and living together for over a year - but its getting to the point where I don't want to see hi or talk to him - because all we (*I) do is fight. If there are emotions he shuts down - if its loud and yelly he joins in and says mean stufff. In over a year he has bought me flowers 1x and that is it! No other gifts ever - not that that's what its all about but - Bday - Xmas - Vday - NOTHING!
Is this extreme cold fish emotionless and selfish behavior seriously something people who have ADHA just get to get away with? Am I supposed to be understanding of this? How can a person not be able to see if you only have an hour and have to clean maybe sorting receipts isnt the best use of your time? How can a person watch someone be upset and do nothing - how can a person seem so incredible selfish and yet loving all at the same time!?!?!? Im going nuts.
Is he just a bad BF for me - or is this legitimate ADHD cant control is stuff????
Seriously???
M
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Re: My boyfriend is diagnosed with ADHD
Sat, March 7, 2009 - 12:46 PMall i can say at this juncture is encourage a LOT of exercise and a very high in protein diet meaning a lot of MEAT and fiber ....
avoid : caffeine / alcohol / wheat / gluten / milk
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Re: My boyfriend is diagnosed with ADHD
Sat, March 7, 2009 - 1:34 PMHi Mary and welcome :). My husband of (ulp) almost 10 years had ADHD, and our older daughter is diagnosed as well---so I, too, get to see it in both phases (adult and juvenile).
First of all---ADHD is not an excuse for cruelty or unkindness. It may be a reason for some of his thoughtless behaviour---like forgetting what he was supposed to get at the grocery store---but it in no way excuses his response to his mistakes, that is, blaming you or telling you should be grateful he went at all. There may be certain things you can do to mitigate some of these problems---making a list for the store, calling to double-check plans. But when problems do crop up---and they will---and he reacts by hurting you (I suspect because he's upset with himself for the screwup, but still), that's not acceptable. Unfortunately it's not as easy to discipline your boyfriend as it is his son, and he needs to recognize his mistakes, acknowledge them, and make up for them like a responsible adult, not by displacing his anger onto you.
You're right that discipline helps with ADHD. Establishing a routine (especially for children which ADHD) is very beneficial. Various things can help make up for the inattentiveness---lists, electronic timers and reminders, schedules, etc. Applying these ideas, of course, is the harder step (at least for me... I suck at schedules almost as much as the rest of my family does.) It sounds like you're very much on the right track when it comes to the son, and good for you for sticking with it. It's not easy, but it's what he needs and (it sounds like) is not getting from his parents.
As for you and your boyfriend, all I can do is repeat---ADHD is a reason for some behaviours, but it is NOT AN EXCUSE for being cruel or unkind. I suspect you may want to look into couple counselling, since it seems like he isn't able to discuss your concerns with you without shutting down or blaming. It appears he reacts to emotional outbursts by shutting down, so addressing him in a calm manner may be a better route than crying and screaming (I'm a cryer, myself)---if you can get him to acknowledge there's a problem. If not, if he won't/can't understand that his behaviour is hurting you and needs to change, you need to a) see a shrink (who can give both of you some feedback with a little more perspective), or b) walk away.
From my own personal perspective---my ADHD husband (and I love him to bits) can be a pain in the butt. He forgets to do stuff I ask him. He doesn't sleep well and is pretty much useless in the mornings. I end up taking the lead in a lot of things---I manage the finances, mostly look after the kids. I'd say we're about equal in cleaning---he's a bit of a neat-freak actually. But he is never cold, never withdrawn, and never immune to my feelings. He does often have a different perspective from me; sometimes he doesn't have patience; sometimes he obbsesses over something and the best thing to do is get out of the way until it passes. We're certainly not perfect (I have gotten into the bad habit of not telling him about my plans in advance, because he always forgets anyway---it's still not good). What keeps us running is that we both work really hard to remind the other how much we love them, and how much we value them in our life.
Good luck.
